Not infrequently, what we say to our children and the way we say it makes our most beloved children protest against our instructions. But what should we do when we need to get what we want?
Children are very sensitive to the emotional coloring of our statements, and in most cases they strongly rebel against mentorship and an orderly tone. But the saddest thing is that already in the difficult teenage years, because of his unwillingness to obey orders, he may refuse contact with his parents, and it will be extremely difficult to establish even a relatively trusting relationship. So it makes sense to control what and how you tell your child while he is still ready to listen to you.
“Put away your toys (clothes, books) immediately!” Such an order, especially in the heat of the game, or when the game is over and interest in toys has died down, can work only if the child is very intimidated. Put yourself in his place – first of all, it is not clear why to remove, because all of the toys are visible and you can play with them if you want. Secondly, who likes to obey orders, well, unless the fear of punishment is stronger than the desire of independence. So mom should explain to the child in accessible language – why they need to remove them, to replace the order with encouragement to cooperative action: “Look, i can hit the box with a cube! can you do that?”
“Let’s go quickly, we can’t wait for you!” If a child is slow in getting ready. There is definitely an explanation – maybe he doesn’t want to go anywhere, or maybe he doesn’t see the motivation. It is possible that he misses mom’s attention and this is one of the ways to get it. Or maybe at this time there is some important thought in his head that does not allow the child to concentrate on getting ready. The reasons may be different, ideally – you should try to find them, but if you still need the result, it is better not to yank and not command, and connect the game and competition reinforce the motivation: “C’mon, let’s go at a speed, I’ll catch up with the time! ANd there in the street i saw such a thing!!!”
“When will you finally go to sleeP” A phrase that makes no sense at all, since it is not even a stimulus to action, but simply a rhetorical statement. Even adults can afford not to react to such words, let alone a child. But the trouble is that the mom gets “wound up” in the process, she starts to get angry, and the child can’t understand why. First of all, it is necessary for the child to understand what they want from him, and the form in which you can explain it to him should not be a mentoring. For example, “I know a new way to throw a blanket,” “Your Teddy Bear is waiting for you in the bed, and really wants you to hug him,” “Let’s read what happens next in our book.
“I’m so sick of you! stop! i’m busy!” Be happy when your child turns to you for contact – to play, to cuddle, to draw. It will go away and very soon, much faster than you can imagine. And if you chase it away with such phrases, the contact may be irretrievably lost. What to do if you really “got it”, you need to do other things, or just switch and relax? Would you believe it – the child in most cases, is quite able to show sympathy and “step on the throat of his own song,” if you speak to him in normal language, as a person, not an object: “Honey, I love you very much, but now I need to do …, play while yourself, and I will come to you as soon as I will be free.
“You’re a horrible child, look what you’ve done?” Mistakes and mistakes happen to everyone at any age. Don’t you ever make mistakes, mess up things, break glasses and cups? And this despite the fact that with coordination and forward thinking you are doing much better than a child who is just learning to live. First, if you tell your child that he is bad, you can very quickly develop just such an assessment of himself, and plant in his soul doubts about whether his mother loves him so bad. This is terrible and can be incorrigible, and leave a mark on later life and your relationship. When evaluating an act that really may not be the best, don’t make personality judgments – it’s not the same thing. If the accident was unintentional, say something like, “You didn’t want to do that, but take care on the next time. remember what happened. If the child has done something wrong on purpose: “What you did (be sure to voice what you did) – it’s very bad, i’m very upset about what you did, but i’m sure it won’t happen again.
And a few more general rules:
- When addressing a child, get his attention first, let him look at you and hear. You should never broadcast “on the air”
- Never deceive the child, if you promised – do it, if he can’t do it – don’t promise.
- How you talk to your child now, so he will treat you in the future, think about what you teach him.
We criticize and condemn the “bad” mom when we see a child having a tantrum. What’s needed? Give mom support and don’t miss the signs of depression, often showing up for the bad mom when she tries to do everything perfectly.